Through reading others’ blogs and writing my own, I’ve come to the conclusion that my worries of being looked down on was mostly from me looking down on myself. I believe some other people might take advantage of that, like chickens who peck on another chicken they see bleeding, but for the most part I’m thinking maybe some others would be willing to give me a chance if I can just come across confident enough.
I’m been finding of late that the biggest fear I have, this general floating anxiety that paralyzes most aspects of my life, can be seen as the fear of one thing: I fear what in my mind is the world always requiring me to measure up and perform, and that it’s requiring me to carry burdens and work loads that I simply can’t carry nor perform.
Have you ever had a gut feeling about a situation or a person and that feeling ended up being right? It doesn’t matter if it’s so strong that you removed yourself nearly immediately or it had taken a year or two, you left with the knowledge that something in you had given you a warning. I asked that question with confidence that the majority of us would say yes, and that it was correct nearly every single time. Yet we hear the advice ‘out there’ and even directly that we should give a person or a situation another chance if things don’t work out or feel right the first time.
Genuine happiness is put on. I didn’t know. I thought when others spoke of deciding to be cheerful that they were already coming from a baseline of a certain level of contentedness. Well, they were, I suppose, but I didn’t know that it could be the same for others who have a baseline of chronic daily unhappiness.
“This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.” (Psalms. 118:24) The Bible said it plain. I thought it meant that this is something to strain for, that with our faces toward God we will slowly be able to become happier and happier until one day we can say this to ourselves and feel uplifted by it. Now I see that one just decides to be happy. That’s all there is to it. It begins the day the person decides this.
One of the things that was valuable for me was finding out that many people who are the family scapegoats and experienced various forms of childhood abuse find themselves very stressed at work and perform like there’s a whip to their back. I’ve described my work life as a feeling of being dogged, driven to give an optimum level of output because I thought that was my only value in the workplace.
While listening to a video on a string of positive affirmations I heard this line that the speaker assumed was true for almost everyone, “I feel happy when I hear my children say, ‘I love you’.” My first thought was, “That’s nice, if I had children that would make me happy, too”, and then I thought, “Hey, wait a minute, my mother never felt pleasure from that. She never said it and never required ME to say it either!”. I never thought of it at this angle before. She didn’t want to hear me say it, she had never said it to me, and never taught me to say it to her.
What is love? Of all questions, that seems like a no-brainer, doesn’t it? It’s something we learn about though our culture, and it seems obvious what love is. We are vulnerable by default because we don’t usually meditate explicitly about what love is — until someone brings crazy-making behavior into our lives. Disclaimer: I am […]
via Crazy in Love : Part 2 — Emphasis on Love — Roll Away My Shame
I thought this was an amazing breakdown of the abusive relationship and I wanted to share it here.
It feels irresponsible to not worry! It had taken me awhile to realize that this is why I worried so much, I felt like it was my obligation. It really is just trying to control what will happen tomorrow, not planning for it, but controlling it, which is impossible. Planning for tomorrow gives one a sense of stability and calm, controlling tomorrow feels fretful and tight in the stomach.
I’ve been concentrating on enjoying the little things that bring me a spark of feeling good on a daily basis to improve my ability to enjoy things. Upon doing this I found I’m able to think about certain things in a slightly different angle. Things like:
It is possible to do something different than just survive. If living life feels like crawling on gravel then I’m doing something wrong, fundamentally wrong.
When you become fifty it does seem like it didn’t take long to get here but, simultaneously, when one thinks of still going through another forty to fifty years of living, it’s realized how long experiencing that amount of time is. So, I want to enjoy the other half of my life. Really, I want to enjoy life for the first time.