I had a dream last night where, upon awaking, I was very happy with myself! I was presented with a scenario in the dream and I responded just right to it. It’s all part of my healing from childhood abuse in order to learn how to engage with life in a healthy fashion after a lifetime of fear of rejection, even from strangers.
There was a bit more in the dream that occurred before the part I will retell here, but it was vague, hard to remember, and it was icky and grungy feeling, having to do with my relationship with my mother. So that part of the dream remains distorted, and there was another part not needing to be retold here. I’ll get to the ‘small victory’ part.
I was driving through what was supposed to be the town I live in, although it didn’t look anything like my town, such seems to be the way with dreams. I came upon a corner gas station that had a little handwritten sign that let people know they had hollyhocks for sale. I very much wanted to plant hollyhocks in my garden this year so I stopped at the gas station where I could see the small hollyhocks with their bulbs in a tin container. I was sorting through them, picking out 3 of each colour there, when I decided to so in and ask the lady behind the counter if she thought it was too early to plant them yet. (Being it’s a small town, I assumed she would most likely have had something to do with bringing in the hollyhocks to sell and might know the answer).
So I went in and asked her. She answered me but I couldn’t hear a word she was saying, she was talking too quietly. Like, ridiculously quietly to the point where it was like she was put on mute and I could only see her mouth move. She seemed not really committed to answering me in a way I could understand, not maliciously, but just unconcerned about her responsibility in trying to be heard in the communication. I really tried to hear what she was saying but it was impossible. I politely told her I didn’t hear her answer and asked the question again, hoping she would speak louder this time. She seemed to have no problem with repeating what she just said, but she was again impossible to hear, just a moving of the mouth.
Here was my response in the dream that I thought was great: without feeling ashamed and insulted or taking it personally at all, I recognized that she wasn’t putting in the effort in the conversation that I was needing and mentally stepped back. I simply stated in a friendly enough manner that it was okay and that I would go home and Google the answer. I put the hollyhock bulbs back in their container and proceeded to leave for home and to decide later if buying them, at this time and from that place, was something I wished to do at that point.
This is how I wished I conducted myself at all times in all conversations. I want to be able to present myself in an interaction and feel like both sides are equally involved in a friendly beneficial exchange. I don’t need to take it personally if I feel something off or we’re not connecting, which I’m starting to see isn’t helped by my shy approach. If I see that the other person isn’t appropriately holding on the other other side of the conversational rope, as it were, then I am free to let go of my side and disengage. I don’t need to take it personally, because I now think that most people are involved in their own stuff and don’t expect me to take their every reaction personally.
In fact, I’m hoping to continue becoming more whole in myself so that when I’m connecting with someone I’m not needing anything else from them but the information, etc. that I’ve approached the conversation for. Even if I’ve entered the conversation for a friendly uplift I’m not expecting anything more from them, like approval, etc.
I’ve been remembering dreams more often lately, and they’re being very helpful to me. They’re being a very interesting partner in my desire for this to be the year that I have immense healing. And this one was also a reminder to me of how happy I’d be to have hollyhocks in my garden this year!