Emotional Aliveness

girl-690327_960_720The more I work on being happy the more I find myself crying while reflecting on pain from the past.  I consider this a good thing.  I used to have an issue with not crying, nor feeling much emotions other than fear, pain and the accompanying anger.

Now that I’m daily having myself focus on being happy I can also feel other emotions that have been bottled up since my teenage years when I went tight and shut down.

I believe this blessing of emotional openness is due to two things.

One is that since I’ve been feeling lighter in my spirit I now have the heart space to revisit pain without it overwhelming me.  This allows me to look at it with a little more detachment and begin to find freedom from releasing all those involved.  We all reap what we sow and they may have already reaped the consequences of those actions against me so many years ago, just as I can see where I, too, have reaped what I’ve sown over the years.  There is nothing left for me to do to bring justice to the situation, God takes care of that for all of us, and so with this understanding I am free to release myself from feeling I have to remain vigilant with the memory.

The second reason that I feel I can feel my emotions again is that I also believe that when we choose to shut down the ability to experience certain emotions in an attempt to protect ourselves, we shut down our ability to feel all emotions, or at least feel them only at a very low level.  I hunkered down to feel less pain and thereby also felt less happiness and joy.

So I am weeping my way to happiness.  I am on the road to feeling alive, and although I still have some bad days, I am so grateful to be getting some pockets of well-being.

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11 thoughts on “Emotional Aliveness

  1. So good to see another blog post from you Prarie Girl. I cant imagine anything you could have done to deserve the treatment you got early on but you seem to be at an ever growing peace with what happened so I dont want to interfere with that process. I think since you are less numb and feeling more of both joy and sorrow that you in fact are healing. Im still healing myself and have found that Im able to feel more as well as feel more for others. I resent that Im always recovering from something, always an abuse of some kind, rather than living. It has disabled me unfortunatley. Ive seen more cruelty in this world than kindness, thats for sure. It began in my own family and then I became a lifelong victim as Katie would say. Im trying to break the cycle. I left a good man because my marriage was a bit lonely but what I didnt realize was that he was keeping me safe because I was so naive and didnt know it. So trusting, so gullible and was badly hurt and taken advantage of. Since then, Ive become wise:) But Im still working on finding another good man. Not very easily done Im learning. One of my providers told me that the narcs have a sixth sense and they easily find people like us which complicates our picture. Know the signs of toxic people. I learned my narc mother isnt so bad. I was in with far worse when I was meeting men online.

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    • I’m just today emotionally reeling from writing about a dream I had that brought up some very painful points of my broken family relationship. Writing about the dream also caused another major memory to come up for me to look at that furthers the sense of sadness today.

      This is the healing process for me for sure. I feel better just enough to be shown further pains that I need to work through. I trust the process, though.

      I do feel bad that you have the regret of leaving a good man due to naivety. It’s just as bad as regret of choosing the wrong man for a husband. Regrets are heavy things, but I suppose there’s some merciful lightness in our living more wisely because of it.

      Isn’t it an interesting thing that those who were brought up well and loved seem to have positive experiences with others but those of us who’ve had troubled upbringings have continual bad experiences with others. I think there’s more to it than just the way we interact with others. I think people can actually ‘read’ things off of unhealed abused people, whether they’re conscious of it or not. It’s like evil people can smell us from a mile away. lol

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  2. I agree with what you just said about people reading unhealed abused people – 1000000% I think this often. I reckon we give off some sort of radar! My T says it’s because of repetition compulsion, we are unconsciously attracting the same damaging people xx

    Liked by 2 people

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