The more I work on being happy the more I find myself crying while reflecting on pain from the past. I consider this a good thing. I used to have an issue with not crying, nor feeling much emotions other than fear, pain and the accompanying anger.
Now that I’m daily having myself focus on being happy I can also feel other emotions that have been bottled up since my teenage years when I went tight and shut down.
I believe this blessing of emotional openness is due to two things.
One is that since I’ve been feeling lighter in my spirit I now have the heart space to revisit pain without it overwhelming me. This allows me to look at it with a little more detachment and begin to find freedom from releasing all those involved. We all reap what we sow and they may have already reaped the consequences of those actions against me so many years ago, just as I can see where I, too, have reaped what I’ve sown over the years. There is nothing left for me to do to bring justice to the situation, God takes care of that for all of us, and so with this understanding I am free to release myself from feeling I have to remain vigilant with the memory.
The second reason that I feel I can feel my emotions again is that I also believe that when we choose to shut down the ability to experience certain emotions in an attempt to protect ourselves, we shut down our ability to feel all emotions, or at least feel them only at a very low level. I hunkered down to feel less pain and thereby also felt less happiness and joy.
So I am weeping my way to happiness. I am on the road to feeling alive, and although I still have some bad days, I am so grateful to be getting some pockets of well-being.