I’ve been going through many changes lately and wanting to go through even more. This push is from a need to getting back to who I really am, who I was intended to be from the beginning. I had it as a child. It was the window through which I tried to interpret the ongoing assaults to my body and spirit back then. It became worn down enough that by the time I was around sixteen-years-old I still had my true self but it was worn more out of a sense of defensiveness rather than true expression. I already knew that there were ways to be and to see oneself in the world that I couldn’t live up to and that I didn’t have the tools to meet them.
By the time I was nineteen my sense of who I am was already a blur of confusion. I was entering a dark adulthood to match my dark childhood where everyone replaced my abusive mother and I was in ready defense. All my dreams, relational and material, were strong but they all blew up in my face as I had no map to achieve them. Now I’m fifty and I’ve had enough of it.
I’ll be frank – it’s too late to turn some of it around, but I’m willing to retrieve what there is left and turn those around. And there’s still plenty left. I thank God for all I’ve been shown in this last little while. It’s not too late to learn how to have a wonderful life.