I’ve been going through many changes lately and wanting to go through even more.  This push is from a need to getting back to who I really am, who I was intended to be from the beginning.  I had it as a child.  It was the window through which I tried to interpret the ongoing assaults to my body and spirit back then.  It became worn down enough that by the time I was around sixteen-years-old I still had my true self but it was worn more out of a sense of defensiveness rather than true expression.  I already knew that there were ways to be and to see oneself in the world that I couldn’t live up to and that I didn’t have the tools to meet them.

By the time I was nineteen my sense of who I am was already a blur of confusion.  I was entering a dark adulthood to match my dark childhood where everyone replaced my abusive mother and I was in ready defense.  All my dreams, relational and material, were strong but they all blew up in my face as I had no map to achieve them.  Now I’m fifty and I’ve had enough of it.

I’ll be frank – it’s too late to turn some of it around, but I’m willing to retrieve what there is left and turn those around. And there’s still plenty left.  I thank God for all I’ve been shown in this last little while.  It’s not too late to learn how to have a wonderful life.




3 thoughts on “Changes

  1. I like this blog post of yours Prairie Girl. You evaluate where youve been and what’s happened, unfortunate early life abuse and its impact. You realize you are 50 now and at a different point in life as you are recovering from it and want to make the best of whats left. You have the facts and have a plan. I would say the single most important thing you can do so you can move forward is to be very careful who you associate with and be even more careful who you live with if you choose to team up. I had a whole entire middle class existence and left a decent although lonely marriage in an attempt to do better and met with nothing but consecutive sociopaths and psychopaths and incurred so many losses of every kind that my life is forever changed. You have to think about where the good healthy people are and how to identify them. Its important to know the signs of a toxic people and to be able to identify them early on and then bow out without causing narcissistic injury to them because if you do you could be hurt. Have a method, have a plan with careful thought put into it. Good healthy people will help you to grow. I say knowing a person should never involve a loss but it can if they are unhealthy. I started by going to church. I look for things like a certain amount of education, financial stability, and participation in church. Liars are bad news. Manipulative people are bad news. Men without their independence are especially bad news because Ive found that their narcissistic mothers control them and then you get hurt.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Great advice, Ruby, lots of wisdom there. I’m really in ‘no people’ mode right now. I need to feel comfortable and happy as a strong default first and then intend on using that as my gauge upon meeting new people. If they get in the way of who I am in this world and bring me negative vibes then they’re outa there. I just want peace now. 🙂

      “I say knowing a person should never involve a loss…” – that’s a great line that’ll probably stay in my memory.

      I’m so glad you’re meeting some good people now! Do you live in the South? It seems there are more down-to-earth people there.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Yes I guess Im kind of South, Kentucky. It is very Baptist here so thats where I go. Thanks for the compliment calling my words wise. I learned the hard way unfortunately. I can understand the no people mode you are in right now.

        Liked by 1 person

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