While listening to a video on a string of positive affirmations I heard this line that the speaker assumed was true for almost everyone, “I feel happy when I hear my children say, ‘I love you’.” My first thought was, “That’s nice, if I had children that would make me happy, too”, and then I thought, “Hey, wait a minute, my mother never felt pleasure from that. She never said it and never required ME to say it either!”. I never thought of it at this angle before. She didn’t want to hear me say it, she had never said it to me, and never taught me to say it to her.
How sad is that? I did find myself wanting to love, though, but my difficulty came in knowing how to interact with others, especially as an adult in significant love relationships. I accepted what I shouldn’t have and probably gave these men some misery that I shouldn’t have. I was too anxious in relationships! They were such serious business for me when I should have been looking for someone that brought joy to my life. But, at the time, I didn’t think joy was for me anyway, so I never sought it.
I’m now wanting to feel peace and love in my life, in my very person. That is my quest for this year. I’m wanting to do it so I can feel good in this world, to feel a love of life I hear others speak of. I’m not doing it for the ends of having a relationship, but simply to feel good in this world. But I may choose to be in one when I feel more solid about who I am and have contentedness as somewhat a default in my days. By that I’ll be able to choose better, and I could wait for the right one, and not too worried that he may never show up.
There were many of us that were not loved as children, and we have a unique experience in the world in that we fight to learn to love. I realize now that is what I was trying to do all along. May that road become easier and easier for all of us.