50th Birthday Musings – Now Life Begins!

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When you become fifty it does seem like it didn’t take long to get here but, simultaneously, when one thinks of still going through another forty to fifty years of living, it’s realized how long experiencing that amount of time is.  So, I want to enjoy the other half of my life.  Really, I want to enjoy life for the first time.

Want to feel present and in control.  I want to learn to be happy.  I also won’t be bullied anymore and will learn how to respond effectively if I’m in such a situation.  A part of that is also knowing when I’m truly being pushed around or when it’s only my perception.

Want to feel sunshiny and in tune with God, as a daily way of being for the first time in my life.  My understanding is that those who experienced trauma/abuse in childhood lose the ability to feel pleasure in life, and that describes how I am and always had been.  I live in grey.  Part of my recovery will be learning how to teach my brain to feel good, to feel what I’m calling “sunshiny”.   I only had one day in my life where I felt like that, and that was for several hours, so I know that it’s possible for me.flowers-164754__340

I want to express the real me now.  I think I know what that will look like, but there may be some trials and hit-and-misses.  I can always change and tweak the misses.

The expressions are little things.  I want to do different things in decorating my home that maybe many people wouldn’t do but would bring me joy in my living space.  I want to spend time in the sunshine, barefoot.  I want to create things with my hands that have tassels and fringes and flowing things.

I want to raise the sunshine in me to the level of being near impervious to the negative noise that’s in the world around me.

I will try EFT, motivational videos, praying, do and create things I love, anything on a daily basis to see if it works or not.  I’m going to learn to be happy this year like it’s my job. 🙂

This is the year that I become who I am again.

Blessings to everyone.back-light-175643__340

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