January 2016 was the first time I had made some goal setting for myself for the upcoming year, and for the most part was able to keep up with much of it. I think what helped me be able to say this is that the goal wasn’t a degree of accomplishment, the goal was to just do a list of things to do every day. I figured the end result will look the way they needed to. I can see how goal setting with a specific end-result in mind is a a great tool, I just wasn’t at that place where it would be for me.
I’m still not in that place, but I definitely could benefit from a list of daily activities that will hopefully push many things forward for me, slowly but surely. This years list looks much the same as last years. What that says to me is that what I chose to do last year were good reflections of who I am and that my goals were true to what I want in my life, as humble as they were.
But this year there is a little bit more I was hoping for, and I added that to my list for this year. I want to learn to be happy/content this year. I know many would say that no one is happy all the time, but that it isn’t what I’m attempting to accomplish. What I mean is that I need to learn how to raise my level of contentment in being in this world to a higher level on a daily basis.
And this will be difficult for me, I think. I’ve lived so many years, since childhood, with a standard low level of happiness. Most of my life has felt like living in sandpaper, the years of childhood abuse causing my brain to have lost some of its ability to feel pleasure and contentment. Today I had a breakthrough in what this ‘sandpaper’ feeling was – it was a constant feeling of lack, of that I’m in this world and will never have enough, that everyone in the world resents giving me things or paying me for the work I’ve done.
What a strange way of seeing the world! But it is very strong, so I believe I’ll have to visit the false ideas I have about the world often in order to begin to change it. But I am determined that this is the year to finally do it.
After feeling especially low for the last few months and almost giving up some positive things I’ve gained over the last two years, I’m now, with God’s help and His wisdom, intending that this year be the year that turns my life around.
Let the year’s adventures begin.