One of the things that was valuable for me was finding out that many people who are the family scapegoats and experienced various forms of childhood abuse find themselves very stressed at work and perform like there’s a whip to their back. I’ve described my work life as a feeling of being dogged, driven to give an optimum level of output because I thought that was my only value in the workplace.
While listening to a video on a string of positive affirmations I heard this line that the speaker assumed was true for almost everyone, “I feel happy when I hear my children say, ‘I love you’.” My first thought was, “That’s nice, if I had children that would make me happy, too”, and then I thought, “Hey, wait a minute, my mother never felt pleasure from that. She never said it and never required ME to say it either!”. I never thought of it at this angle before. She didn’t want to hear me say it, she had never said it to me, and never taught me to say it to her.
What is love? Of all questions, that seems like a no-brainer, doesn’t it? It’s something we learn about though our culture, and it seems obvious what love is. We are vulnerable by default because we don’t usually meditate explicitly about what love is — until someone brings crazy-making behavior into our lives. Disclaimer: I am […]
via Crazy in Love : Part 2 — Emphasis on Love — Roll Away My Shame
I thought this was an amazing breakdown of the abusive relationship and I wanted to share it here.
It feels irresponsible to not worry! It had taken me awhile to realize that this is why I worried so much, I felt like it was my obligation. It really is just trying to control what will happen tomorrow, not planning for it, but controlling it, which is impossible. Planning for tomorrow gives one a sense of stability and calm, controlling tomorrow feels fretful and tight in the stomach.
I’ve been concentrating on enjoying the little things that bring me a spark of feeling good on a daily basis to improve my ability to enjoy things. Upon doing this I found I’m able to think about certain things in a slightly different angle. Things like:
It is possible to do something different than just survive. If living life feels like crawling on gravel then I’m doing something wrong, fundamentally wrong.
When you become fifty it does seem like it didn’t take long to get here but, simultaneously, when one thinks of still going through another forty to fifty years of living, it’s realized how long experiencing that amount of time is. So, I want to enjoy the other half of my life. Really, I want to enjoy life for the first time.
January 2016 was the first time I had made some goal setting for myself for the upcoming year, and for the most part was able to keep up with much of it. I think what helped me be able to say this is that the goal wasn’t a degree of accomplishment, the goal was to just do a list of things to do every day. I figured the end result will look the way they needed to. I can see how goal setting with a specific end-result in mind is a a great tool, I just wasn’t at that place where it would be for me.