A couple of days ago I wrote how I was going to buy a month’s gym membership as a way to avoid falling back into smoking as a way to feel better. I’ve been very low energy for several months with the last few months being very bad.
The problems wasn’t only CFS/Fibro but also a general sense of lack of purpose and of having little hope that things could be better for my life. Contact with my family over the holidays made things worse and I had gotten pretty low. There was one thing that kept coming up in my mind when thinking of how I was feeling – I felt very low energy not just in my body but also in my whole being.
Today I had to make a decision. It was a decision that would seriously alter my life, a life that I felt has to be altered one way or another for it to be any benefit to me, but this particular decision would be a throwing in of the towel of sorts. I was going to the store to buy some dinner, and also a pack of cigarettes after nearly two years of being quit of a thirty year addiction.
Don’t ask me about Christmas. It was horrible. It was the last chance for my two younger sisters who usually show up at my parents’ for Christmas because I thought, well, it was Christmas, and surely they would try to include me at my parents’. No, they didn’t. Even my parents didn’t try, although I don’t want to get into it here. I left knowing, with prayer, that I have completely fulfilled my duty of attempting a relationship and I was free to remove myself from their lives at this point. It was a relief.