Scapegoats – Sent as Sheep Among Wolves

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A light switch has turned on.  The Psalms and the words of Jesus taken literally has made the world to become less fearsome and confusing.

I wrote on this blog about the trip I was invited to by my parents.  It became something that made me feel a heavy piece of lead in my gut when I look back on it.  It seemed very significant, though.

I felt like Carrie invited to the prom – what was a surreal dream come true was just a set up to pour pig blood on me.  The residual feeling is of sickening disappointment and a recoil of the horror down to the marrow of my bones.  It took me six months to write about it, such was the trauma.

It was difficult to write about but it definitely helped me to do so.  But I think something was missing in the translation to anyone who will read it.  It wasn’t the actions that was traumatizing as it was the intention of the people involved.  You can, say, describe a nightmare where you went  into a room and you knew there was someone in the room but they were hiding.  People would think, “What’s so frightening about that?”  What is missing in that description that would have made it a nightmare was that what wasn’t being seen was leaving a heavy sense of evil lurking in one of the dark corners of the room.  That is the detail that makes you wake up frozen in terror.  And that is the sort of detail that I found a hard time trying to convey in my description of the trip.

I literally felt like a sitting duck, like a figure of derision that could be toyed with for the enjoyment of my parents and sister.  There were even more examples of this than what I even entered into my account of the trip, but for me I’m through trying to describe them in a way that would justify my sense of being targeted by something evil.

It’s been occurring to me to begin to use the language my soul wishes to use when thinking of all I’ve been through my whole life.  I usually used lighter language due to wishing to not be seen as exaggerating.  Not just here but also in my own mind.  I’m beginning to become free when I use the words my soul wants to use.

And the words my soul wants to use is that I’ve been Carrie being set up for the prom my whole life.  I’ve always been me on a trip wanting to enjoy the sun but instead spend the time trying to dodge darts flinging my way.  Such has been my whole life, such is the life of all scapegoats.

We always felt like we didn’t quite belong in this world,  That’s because we don’t quite belong in this world.  The world at this time belongs to the wolves, and we are sheep among them.

Some of us have had the blessing of parents or a parent who are also one of God’s own and the sense of not belonging is not felt as much at home as it is in the outside world.  But many of us were born to those who love the world and will hate us.

And this is why it’s not just our family that we find rejection from but also by the world at large.  Our childhood trauma (and a child even just being unloved is trauma enough itself, although many of us have experienced more than that) certainly has hardwired us a little different than those around us, but it doesn’t explain the general “get-alongness” others have in the world that we don’t have.  Many of us have had decades of experience in the world that should have lent us to having found at least a niche for ourselves.  But, no, we still find ourselves fighting for the merest of material comforts or fitting in that others achieve by merely working for them.

It’s like they all had been given a hidden manual on how to get on in this world that we didn’t get.  Well, in a sense they have.  But we’ve been given a manual that is offered to everyone but only those who are not of the world will love and understand – the Bible.

This is a spiritual battle.  There are those of ours who have been entangled in the world and need to hear from us that there is place for us after all, under the wings of the Most High who will make right everything that has gone wrong, and is doing so even now.  They are the lost sheep who’s wool has gotten them stuck in the brambles of the world.  Now that we are safe, He leaves us to free the other lost sheep and bring them also to the fold.

I’m learning to take the Bible literally, even though I thought I already was.  My parents and sister behaved the way they did to me because there was no other way for them to behave.  I have prayed for them that if there is a chance that they also be sheep but have got lost in the world that God show Himself to them.  But we were told we will know them by their fruit and I so suspect that they are not sheep but are one of the wicked.  But the prayer stands in case I am mistaken as the angels themselves will separate the wheat from the tares.  It’s not my burden to know for sure so I pray for them all.

So, whether those who abuse us are wolves or are sheep that are lost and are acting like wolves, we are not required to offer ourselves for their devouring or attacks.  We are to protect ourselves with the armor of God from their ways and attacks and find peace and comfort under the protective presence of the Shepherd.

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13 thoughts on “Scapegoats – Sent as Sheep Among Wolves

  1. This post blessed me so much that I just said a prayer, thanking God for you!!

    “…whether those who abuse us are wolves or are sheep that are lost and are acting like wolves, we are not required to offer ourselves for their devouring or attacks. We are to protect ourselves with the armor of God…” Oh, YES! I love this, thank you!

    “…a child even just being unloved is trauma enough itself…” — this is very true. As you know, I have experienced some extreme trauma. But the one thing that has hurt me the worst by far is simply this: not being wanted, not being loved, by my family of origin.

    I know exactly what you mean about the intention of your parents and sister toward you on that trip, being so hurtful. I do understand, I do get it. And my heart aches for what they did to you. It is exactly like Carrie at the prom.

    ((HUG))

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you so much for your prayer, and I thank God for you as well!

    I’ve read much of the trauma you experienced that you’ve written about and I pray we both find the freedom and abundant life that Jesus promised, the kind of abundant life that we know can only be found in Him. I’m still searching for a better understanding of that but I know I will find it sooner now that I’m not hindering myself by continuing to see who I am by how my family sees me.

    I’m so glad to have found you on this journey to a fuller and more content life. You’ve been such a help to me. By the way, your last post was amazing, especially with the description of being like a deer caught in headlights. I have memories I’m trying to get to the bottom of, but my description is similar – it’s like I caught my breath to brace myself against the pain and trauma and am now needing to learn to tell myself it’s okay to exhale.

    Not loving a child is a direct assault on that child’s well-being. I often wished, even as a child, that she would give me up but I know she never did because it would look bad on her. Even a younger sister mentioned to me years back that she always wondered why our mom kept me, being that she despised me so much. But in God we are loved more than even a loving mother could love us!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oooh… I just got intense, sick, rolling chills all over me, when I read that about your younger sister saying she always wondered why your mother kept you, being that she despises you so much. I mean it, those words hit me very hard, I felt like I was becoming ill. Because, for your sister to acknowledge that, and to actually come right out and say that to you, your mother’s hatred of you must be very bad, and very obvious. Usually, siblings are in denial about the scapegoated child. Whew.

      I suppose it was good for you, in a way, for your sister to tell you this. It helps to have your perception validated, so you know you aren’t just crazy paranoid and imagining things, which gaslighting abusers want us to believe. But even so, it must have really hurt.

      Liked by 2 people

      • It means so much to me that you see the meanness in that, it makes me less alone in it.

        I’m afraid her resentment of me was extremely out in the open and obvious. I won’t be exaggerating when I say it was almost daily blows, pushes, and backhands, along with the shouts with the tone of hatred. It was always right in front of everyone. I think my siblings resented me also because this makes for a stressful, noisy, volatile atmosphere. I’m sure they had to believe that everything would be better if I would just go away. Which is why my sister said she wondered why our mom didn’t get rid of me – I think she thought it would make the house easier to live in. What she didn’t know is that my mom would have found someone else to deposit her vitriol into if she had as it was too much of a habit for her at that point. My mother was always angry and bossy and it was never her fault.

        I believe she would have gone into one of my brothers, her adoptive son. She never liked him much at all, saying he was weird. He wasn’t, of course, he was just not liked by her. She had to lay off a bit on him because that was her husband’s son, but her husband was (and is) such an enabler that he would have sacrificed one of his own kids if it had come to that. Handily for the both of them I had no father so I could be used as the bucket to place in all her hate with no one to protect me.

        I used to always see my adoptive father as sort of a background figure but the more I look at the family dynamics the more I see how complicit he also was in the abuse.

        I took this as an opportunity to examine my childhood a little more, but thank you for expressing your empathy.

        Liked by 1 person

        • After I left my last comment here, I went to sleep, I slept through til morning, I woke up, and still…. still!…. I feel a deep inner pain over what your sister said to you.

          Soul Murder, that’s what this is. Soul Murder is what your family did to you. I know, because it’s what my family did to me, too. I have pretty much decided that this will be the title of my memoir: Soul Murder.

          It’s a wonder you survived such horrible day in, day out hatred. How incredibly strong you are!

          What amazes me even more is the great beauty, compassion, and gentleness in your soul, that shines through everything you write. Wow!!

          Liked by 2 people

          • That’s a great title for your memoir (which I still can’t wait to read some day). I was thinking it described well the sense fear of annihilation I’ve always felt. That’s why I’d have nightmares of my mother when I was in my early 20’s where she was represented as a demonic shadow being hiding in a dark room, waiting to make my soul not exist anymore. That was the nightmare example I alluded to in my post. I believe if you used that title many people will resonate with it right away.

            What kind things to say about me! I would say the same about you, too. It makes me wonder about people like us (and Ruby and Katie, too) who have a lifetime of pain and anger to have become some of the meanest women this world could witness, but it instead made us turn to God. That’s why I think God already knew we were His since we were born and hedged and guarded us, just like the Bible says He does. I always had a soft spot for Jesus my whole life, even before I became a Christian. It was like I always knew Him, like I always knew He had something to do with me. And I know this is a common experience with those who become Christians.

            I still think of how you describe the being frozen with the trauma of feeling you needed to ‘keep alive’ you and your siblings. Trauma makes one silent. It’s hard to find the words, anyway, like something shuts down inside. That’s why these blogs of ours, and writing in general, are such blessings, they help to facilitate the utterances of shock, horror, and despair locked deep in us.

            Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Prarie Girl,

    I refer to those with evil ways as ‘the wicked’ myself(as does The Bible). The thing is, these wicked scapegoat the innocent. I was involved with a narc family once who just did something so wicked and it affected me and another innocent family and when I called them out on it, I was cast aside and talked about in a not nice way. I called them out on it, not to make trouble, but rather in search of a solution, in other words, I was proclaiming, Whats happening here is very wrong! The innocent family member of theirs that was present, would have been on my side, but what they had done was so unthinkable she thought of me as the bad guy for suggesting such a thing, in other words she couldnt believe it. So I say in group abuse, if youre not in on it with them, or report their nasty actions, then youre not included, YOU become the bad guy because you wont support the lie. It drives me crazy because relative to them, Im the most educated and no-one will listen to me. Or its cognitive dissonance on their part and also the inability to see evil in one’s own parentage. It frustrates me to no end.

    I saw the movie Carrie I loved it and didnt know why as an older teen. Carrie’s mother saw her own evil in her daughter, as did her classmates, and they used that poor guy who brought her to the prom, yes as a favor, but he truly wanted Carrie to have a wonderful time. Remember how beautiful she looked? And how pale her skin was, and what a light blonde hair she had, angel like, and to think the classmates did that in a room full of peers, they needed the blood bath themselves. They projected their own evil onto Carrie as her mother did. The blood is so symbolic, but, I didn’t know about The Bible back when I watched it. Little did I know my own life played out like the movie did but in a symbolic sense(that didnt happen to me at my prom). And if I remember correctly, no one really told on the bad guys, they got away with it, I guess out of fear it would happen to them.

    I get what you mean, Prarie Girl, about not wanting to be over the top in your posts because it may look like exaggerating. I feel that way too. But really, its the feelings and you were pretty much vicimtized for like what was it 3-4 days on that ‘vacation’ without an escape by the people who should love you. I still say that the older sister is the head narc in your family. Your parents created her, she must have been spoiled to the nines, and now they dont know what to do about her. If only she could somehow be the scapegoat instead of you. Maybe she’ll get a job opportunity in another country or something.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I agree. The wicked scapegoat the innocent likes it’s their job – “As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.” (Romans 8:36). The sheep are the truth tellers, like you with this family. Sometimes the innocent get caught up with the dynamics of the wicked, like the innocent family member you spoke of, but they will never be them nor ever feel comfortable with them. This is my experience, at least.

      I hear you about my older sister. If you knew my mom, though, you’d see what I do, which is that NO ONE is ultimately in control but her. No one. She allows my older sister to behave the way she does against me, but she would never allow my sister to behave that way to her. Now that my mom is older she’ll allow my sister to do a lot of the dirty work in the family but, at the end of the day, she is still the one who is ultimately served. They have become two peas in a pod as of late, though, but only because my sister’s ways pleases my mom.

      My sister had moved a few years ago to the other side of the country but she just had an early retirement (age 55) from the government. Now she has all the time in the world to hang around! She’s been to where my parents live 2 times in just a few months already, and planning to come again at Christmas. I live a short travel outside the city so I can beg off coming around due to my illness, even though it makes them angry. But, yeah, her moving to another country would be awesome, although it’ll never happen. 😦

      Liked by 2 people

      • I see Prarie girl, and Im sorry to hear of the two peas in a pod status they have as well as her early retirement. This is frustrating. I am frustrated for you. A private lunch sit down with your mom wouldnt be helpful Im sure, I wish it would be. I just want we scapegoats to somehow find our way through this forest we’ve been in. We need an ally. The good guys often have the wool pulled over their eyes as I did when my father was suffering.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I understand that wish that we all find allies in this world, and I know that’s what you want for me, too. But I’ve truly found them here through you and others and it’s helped immensely to help me start to navigate my way out of the forest. I’m actually experiencing relief to know that I don’t have to keep trying to make my family relationships workable. They never could be and I feel free now with that knowledge.

    Liked by 3 people

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