A light switch has turned on. The Psalms and the words of Jesus taken literally has made the world to become less fearsome and confusing.
I wrote on this blog about the trip I was invited to by my parents. It became something that made me feel a heavy piece of lead in my gut when I look back on it. It seemed very significant, though.
I felt like Carrie invited to the prom – what was a surreal dream come true was just a set up to pour pig blood on me. The residual feeling is of sickening disappointment and a recoil of the horror down to the marrow of my bones. It took me six months to write about it, such was the trauma.
Isolation is the default healthy position for me. It’s taken me awhile to come to this realization, even though I’ve been practicing isolation for so long. I feel comfortable with it. Conversely, I feel uncomfortable with interacting with most others.
Some would say this is a symptom of something unhealthy in me, my preferring to be alone, being that this is the case for most people. Most people, it would seem, feel isolation as a forced situation, something that is an insult to their soul. This truly isn’t the case for me.
It’s Narcissist Friday! Narcissists are cheaters. They cheat at big things and little things. Any advantage that will make them look smarter or superior in any way, they will take. Actually, I am surprised this is not one of the nine clinical characteristics of the narcissist. Maybe it’s because others cheat as […]
via Cheaters — Grace for my Heart
My note: This is a fantastic post from Pastor David Orrison from the “Grace for My Heart” blog. I wanted to share this because it describes my older narcissist sister’s mindset to a tee. She has an air like she feels others who limit themselves with rules aren’t as smart as she is.
There is an impulse in a scapegoat to plead for better treatment from their family, to entreat them to reason out their behaviour. Much of the arguments I had with my mother when I was a teenager was in doing this, so they really weren’t much of arguments, really. They were my mother mistreating me and me trying to get her to see that what she was doing was hurtful, that her characterization of me was incorrect, etc. What a useless exercise that was.
I did something today that seems a little out of place. I had just written a post, The Shift, where I said my inner self was getting me to finally be done with my parents.
Recently my mother sent me an odd short email asking me to “check in” and say how I was doing. Thinking she should have called and just getting tired of it all I just said I was fine and asked how they were, just to be done with it. Today she emailed to give me the day and time of the Thanksgiving dinner she does every year, and answered how they were doing by how busy she and dad were with the moving and readying two homes. Knowing my mom, this wouldn’t have been a hint for me to help, she was just answering the question.
I can write now. It feels like before I wrote about what happened with my parents, sister, and I, I had forced my posts out, never really writing about what I had to get out at the time. Now that I have gotten it out of the way I can now free-write.
These last two mornings I didn’t wake up with the heavy grey feeling of meaninglessness I’ve been experiencing for weeks. I was afraid it was there to stay.
There is a change occurring in me, a shift. It started around two years ago and is increasingly getting stronger and demanding.
I really began to notice it around a year and a half ago. I was sick of the life-stealing consequences of my chronic illness and began to walk, working my way up to light jogging. I was tired of never having money and quit smoking, which was an addiction that was a noose around my neck and felt like a miracle when I finally quit. I began to change how I reacted to my mother’s barbs and loveless controlling ways, moving from seething quietly to something in me putting its foot down and saying that I will never tolerate certain behaviours from her again. It’s like something was rising inside of me.
All the little insults my sister had for me came to a head, and here’s the set-up. We all know that it’s an industry-wide policy in hotels that you are no longer a guest after 11:00 am on your last day. In resorts this means you may still be there after 11:00 if you don’t have to leave for the airport until later, but all you do is lose your all-inclusive wristband. You can still use the resort normally and only have to now put any food or drinks you’d like to your credit card.
As I write my recounting of the terrible experience while on vacation, the true nature of the dynamics occurred to me. My parents invited me but allowed my sister to destroy any enjoyment I could out of it. It just dawned on me that if the invite was out of a good place from my parents, wouldn’t they want to protect my enjoyment out of a sense of being hosts? You’d think they’d tell my sister to lay off or something but instead they stayed ‘neutral’ during all the barbs she hurled my way in front of them (the worse ones were when they weren’t around) and then actually joined the attack when she went after me at the resort.