My Hell in Paradise – Part I (My Sister, My Enemy)

playa-del-carmen-1-1333586Since a small child have always been oppressed by a feeling of fear of being annihilated, like my soul was in danger.  Two things in the last two years began the process of what feels like a killing of my soul, which has now been so battered that the thing I’ve always feared seems close to happening.  One of them was my breaking up with my last boyfriend and the other was a run-in with my older sister, someone who’s lured me in just to bash me since we were children.

They are to others perhaps simple events but they are the straws that are beginning the process of breaking the camel’s back.

The following is the account of the run-in with my narcissist sister, which is also an account of my narcissist mother and my dad, her cheerleading husband.  I’ve inserted a sub account within it of the last time I spoke to my sister before then to give you a little better sense of the kind of person she is.

I have never been on a vacation in my whole adult life and have for years seen my siblings here and there all enjoy vacations with my parents.  My parents have a membership to a resort in Mexico (and I don’t know how it works out but they also go to a related resort in Hawaii often) and my siblings often stay with them as it’s more affordable for them.  I could never go.

Last year a near-miracle happened – my mother called and asked if I wanted to go to Mexico with them, I’d just need my own spending money.  They were going to use their air miles to fly the three of us out there.  It would only be for five days for me but I was very excited about going as I knew it was a chance in a lifetime for me.  The trip was to be in March, 2016.

In the interim, my oldest sister began to email me again.  She was going to come with us on the trip as well, funding her own way.  I hadn’t heard from her in about ten years since my younger sister’s wedding.  Here’s a short account of what happened at the wedding:

My sister and her soon-to-be husband had rented a small lodge for their ceremony and for as a place for their guests to stay at.  One of the guests was my now-brother-in-law’s cousin of some sort from Denmark who flew in for the wedding.

This 40-something Danish cousin was drunk throughout the whole of the first day, hitting on every female guest, including my aunt who was in her late 60’s.  When he saw me I had already witnessed what he was doing right in the open and, as he approached he must have seen the frown on my face before he still attempted to chat me up and then with me turning down his advances.

The next morning was the wedding and then that afternoon my sister and brother-in-law left for Denmark for their honeymoon.  That evening some of the family guests still at the lodge gathered on the large porch table.

The Danish cousin was still drunk and still attempting at flirting with me.  My oldest sister, who is very overweight and not as facially attractive, went into a short embarrassing story about me from when I was a child.  It wasn’t actually that embarrassing, but it was made so by her tone that we should think of it as an embarrassing story and she used it to rise above me.  She was jealous.  It was plain and simple to everyone around us.

I was shocked that she would cheapen herself like that right in front of everyone.  But she was compelled.  If my sister is one thing, she’s a ‘swooper’.  She’ll push someone aside and swoop in to take what she thinks they’re getting.

I was grossed out by her behaviour and left the table, like it was my time to turn in.  Get this – she slept with him that night.  At a wedding, with all the other guests at the tiny lodge knowing it.  Everyone else turned him down but her.  She stayed in his room that night because she was the VICTOR in her eyes.  She just made herself look like a whore to a drunk that was hitting on even the senior women and the reason why is because she saw him hitting on me.

This so weirded me out that I didn’t speak to her for around ten years.  I mean, what’s there to say?

Back to when my sister began to email me again.  I had just started to walk and light jog after years of relapses that left me in pain and out of shape.  She seemed to be a cheerleader during this time, asking me how I was progressing and expressing admiration for my determination.  And so I kept her abreast as I was glad to have someone to share my little recovery victories with.

One day I decided to lay off just a little, feeling like my exercise updates were a little too much, even though she encouraged them.  It was only a week or two later, not much time at all, and she emailed to wonder why I hadn’t updated her lately, asking if it was because of the email she sent to our parents that accidentally had my address on it too.  I didn’t know what she was talking about so I went back to my trashed email and found the one she was talking about that I trashed accidentally without first reading it.  In it she was talking about me to them, saying how doing much better (mentally) I was doing as I wasn’t putting things in a black-or-white category.

First of all, I hadn’t spoken to her in ten years – what did she think she was comparing my present manner to?  Secondly – I’ve never been in a black-and-white way of thinking.  Ever.  If anything, my downfall is that I can be too analytical, wanting to take in all aspects of a situation or person to make a decision on them.  I’ve not dropped people out of my life that I should have based on the fact that I’m always too willing to give them the benefit of the doubt (more truthful words would be that I doubted my own ability to assess people right, so I’ve erred in their favour).

My guess, being that I’ve had help for depression about fifteen years ago, is that my sister has developed a narrative with my parents that I must be of a particular mental illness.  I don’t know which one they were making up for me because I didn’t want to discuss with them this whole weird thing they were doing.  She, just a clerk for a small federal government ministry, must have read about BPD or something and diagnosed me with it, or something like it, herself.  She apparently was updating them with how much better I was doing.   ????  Again, she hadn’t spoken to me for ten years.  I should also add that my counselor I’ve known for over a year has informed me that being BPD was “the last thing I was”.

The other strange thing about this is that my parents have been talking to me and seeing me for the last ten years when she hadn’t.  Didn’t they bother to tell her I was doing fine, aside from the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome?  I mean, my readers and I know that I still have much to work out from my childhood, but on the outside no one, not even my family, would have any indication of this.  I’m pretty much normal on the outside, if you will.  My two younger sisters have been for that time on numerous medications and in therapy for anxiety and depression, but apparently they’re okay.  But me, who hadn’t been in treatment for anything like that for years and years, was the one my older sister had to ruse into gaining ‘mental health’ information from.  It was a betrayal from all three of them.

 It made me sick to see that email because of the absurdity and duplicity of it all.

I stopped emailing at that point until about two months later when she again asked how I was doing.  I was willing in my head to forgive her because she seemed embarrassed enough about her accidentally putting my address on that email, so I figured she had ‘learned her lesson’.  Also, I had to be with her in Mexico so I figured it’d be best to drop it.

At this point she was living on the other side of the country with her boyfriend of only a few months who was dying of brain cancer.  That is a horrible story of her behaviour in itself, and I will tell it another day.  Anyway, we continued to email back and forth and one day we called instead of mailed.  During the phone call she had me on speaker for some reason.  She again asked about my jogging, which I thought was something I never thought I’d be able to do just a few months before when I was housebound.  I spoke a little of it when her boyfriend, who I didn’t know was listening, said, “Run, Forrest, run” and they laughed between themselves.  The mocking kind of laugh.  It made me go cold.  It was stupid they were using such an old 90’s reference like it was new, and it was stupid that her boyfriend was mocking me with her when he had never met nor spoken to me, ever.  The moment had all the hallmarks of her and him laughing at me already behind my back, obviously with her leading it as she was the only one out of the pair that actually knew me.

I will never understand the evil mind, the mind of those who derive pleasure out of meddling, mocking, and gain energy, it seems, out of causing mental distress in others.  She got me, again.  And I, again, felt like a deer caught in headlights, not knowing what to say or how to defend my boundaries.  I just kinda went quiet and then a little later said I had to go.

I for sure didn’t speak to her again until the trip to Mexico, another few months away.  By that time her boyfriend had died under circumstances that I will write about later.  My sister gained in his death through power of attorney and being placed on the will after only knowing him for a few months.  Also by this time she was ready with her hatred for me and for my audacity to call her out on her insulting behaviour from that phone call, which essentially was how she interpreted my dropping communication with her (and she’d be correct).  She was ready to go in for the kill.

For the comfort of those reading this lengthy post, I will continue this in another part.

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18 thoughts on “My Hell in Paradise – Part I (My Sister, My Enemy)

  1. Your sister sounds very much like my mother. The projection of her black and white thinking onto you. The insane jealousy, demonstrated by her going after the guy who was going after you. The triangulation, talking about you behind your back. (I would also bet that your name was put on the email to your parents “accidentally-on-purpose”.) And the laughing/ mocking about you over the speaker phone with her boyfriend listening. All those tactics are so much like my “momster”.

    You said: “I will never understand the evil mind, the mind of those who derive pleasure out of meddling, mocking, and gain energy, it seems, out of causing mental distress in others.” Same here. It is heartbreaking. As some have said, it’s like death by a thousand little paper cuts.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Yeah, her going after that guy was weird. It was so obvious and vulgar, it was like watching a territorial dog towering over another dog who’s eating so it can edge it out and eat its food.

      It never occurred to me that she put my name on that email on purpose! I’m going to think about that because, although she may not have, it could be a possibility.

      What’s weird about that mocking thing is that it was her boyfriend that was mocking me by saying that. That was the super bizarre thing about it. He obviously knew she’d approve of him doing so. I also don’t think he would have gone out with her if he was a good guy as she’s too mean-spirited with so many people that she would have turned him off if he was.

      Yes, the death by a thousand cuts. That’s why I’m going to be writing and purging a lot. I’m trying to save my heart and soul from the final cuts that threatened to kill off any real feelings in me anymore.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. That older sister sounds downright cruel and dangerous. Linda’s reply up top was what I was thinking when I was reading and forming a reply in my mind.

    I would say older sister is jealous of you, and competitive with you, and is immature, projects her stuff onto you and is also trying to control you emotionally(like so called accidentally emailing and having your address on it too, and when you didn’t react, she called it to your attention). SHE’S upset and wants YOU to be the upset one instead. Google projection identification for more information.

    In a nutshell she wants TO BE YOU, trade places with you, like probably with the deceased bf as well, I believe she wanted to be him(or at least have his resources). In my opinion, this is THE most dangerous kind of narc, she sounds full-blown(like my momster). I would stay clear of her completely, and epecially not ever dine or drink with her. Its chilling. Its delusion in that she thinks she’s you and you’re her. Sometimes the really ill ones try to make it a reality.

    As far as borderline goes, Im probably wrong, but always thought a scapegoat was a borderline by default. Im probably wrong again but you might have traits whereas that older sister is full-blown. Plus you are in treatment so you are that much more ahead of the game. It doesnt sound like older sister has had any or has the self-awareness to get some.

    Liked by 2 people

    • About scapegoats being Borderline – I think your right because Borderline tends to be the result of childhood trauma. I didn’t want that post to be a hundred miles long so I left out some unnecessary details.

      I would be best described as a former Borderline as I’ve outgrown the outward symptoms of it and my life has looked normal on the outside. My present counselor says I’m not Borderline but may have had a different opinion had he known me in my 20’s. Borderlines tend to mellow out and the more extreme outward symptoms will fade. The inner life may still be painful but the outward appearances and behaviour tends to “normalize”.

      My sister doesn’t know that, she only knows that I was treated for depression around 20 years ago. She knows nothing more nor has ever really known nor spoken to me much at all in 15 years. She was working on zero information – she was just using my treatment with depression 20 years ago to talk with my parents about “how she’s (me) improving”. The point being is that she’s making sure my parents know she the healthy one. She actually isn’t, though, as you’ll see further as the story goes on.

      Now with you saying it too, I’m starting to really see the possibility that she actually put my address on the email on purpose. How strange to be so conniving.

      She is for death, not life, always. She’s one of those people that I call “deathers” and I’ll explain that in another post. Yes, she could be dangerous.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. This might sound far out, but, Im thinking since your siblings are 1/2 siblings, you had the emotionally and mentally healthy father, thats what makes your behavior normal and also makes you the attractive one. So you’re different than them. And thats why you were treated badly. They see you as the odd one, when its really them who are so ill. It’s just a guess, I could be wrong. But your behavior sounded top notch at the wedding and you said youre more facially attractive. To me these are signs.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think your quite right that I stuck out a bit from the others, always looking and being a bit different. The three oldest are adoptive siblings (including my oldest sister that I’m writing about) and the two youngest are my half sisters. The major point is, yes, they all have the same father and I had a different one. And I believe it contributed to their being able to distance themselves from them and devalue me as “the different kid” in the family dynamics.

    I think my older sister in particular is jealous and feels everything I am and have takes something away from her.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’ll have to forgive me, I’m still getting The Who’s who straight. I find your family to be very interesting. I’m getting it better now. I always had trouble getting people’s relatives straight in my mind because I come from a small family. I’m not used to it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh, it’s no problem at all! I tend to repeat the family situation as it’s convoluted and I don’t expect anyone to be able to remember nor navigate it easily.

        On the side, I find your observations to be very astute and extremely helpful. I really value them.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Yes, your mean sister is jealous of you. My younger sister (of whom I was very close to when we were teenagers) sounds like your sister. My uncle even said it that ‘she is jealous of you’, and so is my brother.

    They are conniving and go out of their way, to spend energy on trying to bring you down. I believe if us scapegoats weren’t there, they’d have a dilemma: it’d be very uncomfortable for them to know what to do if those family dynamics changed! Where would they put all the dirty stuff that’s in their heads and hearts, their self-hate? At times they may seem to be in charge, riding high on the latest ‘victory’ over you, but, in reality, they are pitifully weak characters.

    I had to cut ties (with my older brother and younger sister) for my own safety. I feel much better for it, though I am on tenterhooks because of their ties to our mother and living so physically close, as well as my physical disability.

    Do you know what the main thing was that helped me? Simply listening to my inner or small voice. The real me really knows what’s going on. The truth won’t be manipulated! 🙂

    On a spiritual side…I gained comfort from knowing that The Creator loves me.

    ((( Love and hugs xox )))

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, I wonder what these types do when there isn’t an available sibling. I think that’s when they hunt for a sexual partner or a person to take in as a “best friend” and then start on them.

      Yes, the inner voice. Unfortunately a lot of us were forced as children to do the opposite of what our protective inner voices were telling us. The inner voice becomes muted and we tend to dismiss it as not to be trusted or something. Our inner voice, thought is always for us. Always. It is the inner best friend of every person who will always steer that person in the right direction.

      So, I agree with you, the inner voice is the best way possible to navigate relationships and to know when to drop them.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Both my siblings are in co-dependent relationships and mess with drugs because they are fearful to face up to reality, be their true selves. I’ve reached a point where I love them but hate what they do. I will not excuse their toxic behaviour to me. I won’t forgive them unless they truly repent. I’ve been threatened with death and physical violence and slandered, I had to call the police.
        It’s weird because brother was dad’s golden (my dad rip), and sister was mum’s golden. I think I would have turned out psychopathic if not for my sweet grandad.
        It’s not easy breaking from cruel family. You need to grieve what could have been, that’s vital, before moving on. I had to do this with each four immediate family.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Emotional Numbness.

    My personal take.

    I’ve had periods of this where the only emotion was anger – the main one to survive. It seems to be the mind’s way of protecting you. The longest period I had of emotional numbness, as an adult, was two years! That took good care of me (thank you Mind). When I was in a *safer (not completely safe) place, I found I needed a lot of time alone, for helpful reflection. A time to breathe. Crafting, writing, baking, creating…helps SIGNIFICANTLY to get back on track. But, be *kind to you* (as a retired nurse friend always advised me). Work with the emotional numbness. Do not stress yourself to hurry.

    As you learn and progress, towards a better and healthier you, your mind will gradually let the emotional numbness leave.

    I hope this helps.
    ……………………………….
    * out of the fire and into the frying pan.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, it does! I was afraid the numbness was due to something dying and possibly not able to come alive again. It’s good to hear that it’s possibly just a necessary phase that has its own work and purpose.

      Thank you so much for this new perspective on it, it’s very helpful! (hugs)

      Liked by 1 person

      • You’re right that our souls are experiencing a death, a kind of mini death each time we’re vulnerable, exposed, when they attack – I would still feel it too if I had the contact. I’m still vulnerable myself and need to work on strengthening on the inside. But, yes, the emotional numbness is our friend, has it’s purpose and when we’re healing it leaves.
        You can heal 🙂 🐻 💚 🌞

        Liked by 1 person

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