Embarking on the Healing Process

I’ve been writing less on my blog and I believe it’s because I’m steering away from the true purpose of my starting it, which was that it should be a place for me to begin to voice the bad treatment and trauma from my childhood and adulthood as the scapegoat in a narcissist-led family.

This, of course, is my fault.  The reason seems to be that I became afraid of being seen as a whiner or a person who’d put negative stuff out there without offering a solution or an inspiring message, which I don’t always have.  This fear was not toward my few blog friends, of course, but just a general feeling of people ‘out there’ thinking poorly of what I need to do here.

What I need to do here is to explore and dig deeper of everything I’ve been through in order for my mind to organize it better somehow.  I also expect that the more I dig the more I can clear space to reach the black ball in me that needs some prodding and see what it holds.

If I do this I will have some stuff that others may see as dark, or petty, or whatever.  That’s what is holding me back.  I’ve decided that I must heal.  I just have to.  And I believe my blogging anonymously where I know there are other real people reading, as opposed to being in a journal, will be a help.

I’ve put my foot down with myself this morning.  I have continuously woken up with a feeling of emptiness for about two years now and the feeling has deepened in the last six months to a level that’s becoming a little alarming to me.

I wake up and it feels like my soul is almost dead.  Every morning, just a grey deadness.  What happened six months ago was something I didn’t write about here as I’ve been too emotionally close to it to revisit.  I said to myself that it’s almost as if I’ve been traumatized and then it hit me that I had been.  Why I didn’t see the obvious is perhaps for the same reason why others reading the account won’t see the obvious trauma in it.  But it was to me.  It changed everything and became the pinnacle of the painfulness and hopelessness of my family situation.   I will write of that account separately.

I need to write of all my accounts that I can remember.  I need to break out of this deadness as I’ve never had it so deep before.  I feel dangerously close of something dying in me that won’t be retrieved again if I don’t nip this in the bud.

So here my healing trip begins.hoh-trail-1368000

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21 thoughts on “Embarking on the Healing Process

  1. Please let it out, but only if you’re ready. No, it’s not whining…if someone doesn’t like reading what you’re brave enough to share, they will leave of their own accord. I’ve read some great self help books related to this, if you’d like the titles.
    My heart goes out to you.
    Love and hugs and all the best.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. What a beautiful picture you have chosen of that path through the lush forest-y greenery to represent your healing trip. I can appreciate you wanting to organize the information and experiences because then you can file it and be done with it. Reaching the black ball might be best to do with someone in person because then you have someone actually there with you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Good advice about the black ball. I have a counselor that it’ll be approached with but sometimes a session is often led by what the counselor wants to get done as well. This is my way for my mind to meander without worry of someone needing to steer things in a little different direction. So, I’m doing this in conjunction of the counseling, not instead of.

      Thanks about the picture – I thought it was nice and peaceful too.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. There is a taboo in narcissistic families about scapegoats telling the truth about their lives. The group lie that the perpetrators agree on is that the scapegoat is vile and deserves their mistreatment. They may deny there is mistreatment at all as long as they are profiting at the scapegoats expense. It behooves them to minimize the load of trauma they are imparting. That taboo of saying out loud that these were evil people perpetrating darkness on a victim is what keeps narc systems functioning so well. Evil thrives in silence and in darkness. Deciding to end the silence and shine a light on the hideous things they did removes evil’s power.

    The wrath, the rejection, the crossing of a line that ends a relationship with those monsters creates fear and dread in their victim. For a very long time it kept me silent not just to the world but to myself about what I’d lived through. I didn’t put my experience in the context of abuse, it was so familiar and so constant it just seemed like life. It is not surprising I frequently wanted to die because if this was life I didn’t want it. IN the mix of surviving on going trauma with those perpetrators is a wall of grief that is unmourned and unnamed.

    It was the death of my father, the incapacitation of my mother from Alzheimer’s that began to loosen that stranglehold on my own words about what I lived through. After my sister and brother began to recreate my mothers narcissistic abuse toward me because she’d couldn’t do it any longer I finally ended being family to those asses. But I would never have ended contact if I wasn’t start to wake up and say the truth to myself and the world around me. I was allowed to think about it in terms of “that was abuse, that was horrible, what sort of people do these things” when I gave myself permission to do so. Writing it in a public place where people said “you to” was the wing beneath my wings that helped me fly out of that hell hole my mind was locked when I was silent. They quit being family at some point when I began to call it what it was and therefore I no longer needed to protect then.

    I write a lot about spiritual breakthroughs these days but before I came to that point I was unearthing tons of garbage rotting in my soul that those horrible people inflicted on me. When I had nothing left to lose the memories and my rage at them began to pour out of me. It released me to find healing and meaning. Let it roar. In fact, here is a poem that has often inspired my own writing. Written by a PTSD specialist in honor of his patients

    Memory Shouldn’t Be…

    by Frank Ochberg, MD

    June, 1993

    Memory
    Shouldn’t be
    Shards of a broken dream
    Secret pain
    Shouldn’t strain
    Breathlessly to scream
    I know the where
    I know the when
    I know the who too well
    Believe me or believe me not
    I have a truth to tell

    But Mother, if you cannot hear
    I’ll keep your peace
    A day, a year. Forever
    If you doubt and fear
    Convinces me to silence

    Your Honor, if the proof you seek
    Is rusted, lost
    Too old, too weak, forgotten
    Then I shall not speak
    Dismiss my plea with silence

    It matters not who hears the voice
    Once I have understood
    The thunder of the truth untold
    Will echo in the wood
    And judges naked in their robes
    Will shudder at the gate
    How thin the cloth of innocence
    Against the chill of hate

    Memory
    Shouldn’t be
    Shards of a broken dream
    Secret pain
    Shouldn’t strain
    Breathlessly to scream
    I know the where
    I know the when
    I know the who too well
    Believe me or believe me not
    I have a truth to tell

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Any visit to a narcissistic family can leave you with devastating feelings of emptiness and suicidal depression, in my experience. They are not capable of giving you anything. Its really important you write and talk about it as the prohibition is so deep and we internalise it. The worlds needs your honesty and only a narcissist would accuse you of whinging.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much for this. They do the opposite of what the human heart needs, devastating a child’s soul before they even have the life experience to categorize and sort out the trauma their receiving. We take it into our adulthood, still striving to make sense of it, opening ourselves to the abuse over and over and over.

      Pinning down the pain and rejection to analyze it and look at it afresh cuts the loop. This is what I’m hoping for.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes exactly. We get so compulsed by the emptiness they leave us with which we have no means to fully understand until a very long way along the healing journey. There is a compulsion to go back and back and back again, hoping for a different result. But if they are truly narcissistic they will never open to this. It isn’t in their nature. So trying to appeal to them on any level is due to rebound in your own soul murder. I learned this from my last relationship with a narcissist but it applies to family so much. Stay strong.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. On the issue of self censoring. The other day I sent a long winded post outlining some of the pain and anger I was feeling towards family members from about a year ago to trash, I was glad that I wrote it but an inner voice told me others would find it boring and dull. So you are most certainly not alone in self censoring.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, no. I really like reading “long-winded” posts. I feel the person is truly being deeply honest with themselves because you know they’re writing the way they’re thinking through the issue, not just in a way that is digestable to a reader.

      If you write it again, or something like it, I would totally read it and be glad to do so. Other people’s inner thoughts always makes one feel less alone in their similar thoughts.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. PrairieGirl, I didn’t want to publish on my blog as I’m not anonymous, so here goes 🙂
    ………………………………………………….

    I found my top 6 titles! 😀

    That sounds nice, I hope you have a lovely time. I love art, and would like to visit a local exhibition on Fiji (mixed media, sculpture, textiles, paintings, photos etc.) when the pain flare has abated – thanks for wishing me well.
    I found some pretty leaves in the garden today which I’ll press. I like textile art and may incorporate them into an embroidered picture…
    All the best ~hugs!~

    ~Self-Help Books~

    I’ve read MANY over the years, ever since my breakdown when I was 23 and had all kinds of therapy. These are my favourites of which I’ve learned much from. They are jewels of which I return to regularly – I feel that’s important because it keeps the wise words to the fore-front. I’ve changed a lot of my harmful behaviour/thinking due to these insightful authors.

    I hope these help you too 🙂

    1. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond – by Patricia Evans

    2. Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers – by Karyl McBride
    (Due to emotionally neglectful parenting and the loss of her
    beloved older sister when she was nine, my own mother suffered a lot and as an adult finds it hard to express emotion. I always was the ‘mother’ in our relationship, and it still leaves a ‘hole’ inside me today. Another good book for healing that particular emptiness is the title below this one: …)

    3. The Emotionally Absent Mother: A Guide to Self Healing and Getting the Love You Missed – by Jasmin Lee Cori

    4. Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself from Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life –

    5. Dr. Judith Orloff’s Guide to Intuitive Healing: 5 Steps to
    Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Wellness –

    both by Judith Orloff
    (Beautiful lady, compassionate, sensitive and a psychiatrist!)

    6. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA – by Pete Walker
    (Mentions family scapegoats. Haven’t properly digested this one, yet).

    Liked by 2 people

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