I’ve been writing less on my blog and I believe it’s because I’m steering away from the true purpose of my starting it, which was that it should be a place for me to begin to voice the bad treatment and trauma from my childhood and adulthood as the scapegoat in a narcissist-led family.
This, of course, is my fault. The reason seems to be that I became afraid of being seen as a whiner or a person who’d put negative stuff out there without offering a solution or an inspiring message, which I don’t always have. This fear was not toward my few blog friends, of course, but just a general feeling of people ‘out there’ thinking poorly of what I need to do here.
What I need to do here is to explore and dig deeper of everything I’ve been through in order for my mind to organize it better somehow. I also expect that the more I dig the more I can clear space to reach the black ball in me that needs some prodding and see what it holds.
If I do this I will have some stuff that others may see as dark, or petty, or whatever. That’s what is holding me back. I’ve decided that I must heal. I just have to. And I believe my blogging anonymously where I know there are other real people reading, as opposed to being in a journal, will be a help.
I’ve put my foot down with myself this morning. I have continuously woken up with a feeling of emptiness for about two years now and the feeling has deepened in the last six months to a level that’s becoming a little alarming to me.
I wake up and it feels like my soul is almost dead. Every morning, just a grey deadness. What happened six months ago was something I didn’t write about here as I’ve been too emotionally close to it to revisit. I said to myself that it’s almost as if I’ve been traumatized and then it hit me that I had been. Why I didn’t see the obvious is perhaps for the same reason why others reading the account won’t see the obvious trauma in it. But it was to me. It changed everything and became the pinnacle of the painfulness and hopelessness of my family situation. I will write of that account separately.
I need to write of all my accounts that I can remember. I need to break out of this deadness as I’ve never had it so deep before. I feel dangerously close of something dying in me that won’t be retrieved again if I don’t nip this in the bud.
So here my healing trip begins.