Determination Through Fear


I jogged today after not having done so in six months.  I’ve been in another CFS relapse (they come and go every several months) and during this one large muscle groups decided to tense and clump up, making getting up off the couch or getting out of bed difficult and painful, necessitating a cane for leverage.

I figured that since I have limited energy and am limping at times anyway, I might as well use what energy I have that day to run and use my limping to get me back home again.  Because CFS causes all my body’s systems to go slower than normal, if I don’t exercise I become bloated with water and weight gain.  There’s a limit I tolerate until a line has been crossed, and that line has been crossed.  So today I threw on my running shoes and went back out there, regardless of the pain.

I managed a pitiful fraction of what I could do months before my relapse and, yes, I limped home, but it felt good in my soul and I’m glad I went, as I always am.

I feel like this is what has happened with my view on my family, although this line of thinking is new to me with respect to my family relationship: I have come to a point in my life where a switch has turned on and I’m no longer able to tolerate their nonsense and their dynamics anymore.  It’s a process, and this blog is part of that process.

I want the determination to be free of my family to be stronger, though.  I want it to be as strong as my determination was a year and a half ago when I decided I couldn’t handle being as ill with CFS as I was anymore.  One day I just got up and began walking.  I couldn’t get around the block without immense pain and, as I continued to push through, sometimes I felt like my heart was going to give out due to its weakness.  I didn’t care.  My attitude was this: either I get better or I die trying.  It’s that literal do or die attitude I wish I had with trying to disentangle myself from my family.

I’ve decided to go no-contact with my siblings, and that has helped although it hasn’t really been tested yet.  I’ve decided to not go no-contact with my parents, and that is due to fear.

I have lived my whole life with them hamstringing me as the scapegoat.  I admit I’m more reliant on them as I care to be, not just financially where they’ve been willing, but also emotionally.  One of my fears is that I can’t make it without their help with financial emergencies, etc. and that they may cut me out of their will.  My first thought is that I am in such poverty now that I’m reliant on any kind of padding the inheritance may give me, especially as I become older.  I don’t have children and so I could use a financial safety net for my retirement, such as a winter coat when I need it, etc.  I have five brothers and sisters so I’m not talking about a large inheritance, of course, but even $10,000, say, would ease my anxiety.

I am going to have to think about my fears surrounding this.  Losing out of emergency help and a small amount of money for my elderly years may be worth it for the peace of mind.  I just need my mind to make the same kind of decision that helps me go out for a walk and run.


11 thoughts on “Determination Through Fear

  1. Hi Prarie Girl,

    You are such a strong woman.

    I’m glad that you took that jog today, as long as there aren’t any adverse effects from it, I would say a little jogging on a more regular basis might be better than overkill one any one given day. But you know your body best.

    As far as your family, they are helping you in ways, that is good. But this affects your peace of mind. Might there be another way to get peace of mind while still taking the help? I wouldn’t want to see you lose that. So try another way if you can think of one to gain peace.

    Can you start saving a little something now(if you haven’t already), and from this day forward?(I know what you mean about worry for your financial future. I was telling myself the same figure as you that would make me feel safer). Do you read Women’s Inspirational books? There is an author I love, I find her to be a nurturing Christian woman named Carolyn Larsen. Her words help me get through the tougher days.

    When I started resuming contact with family myself, I started with one, the one I felt safest with and got on better terms with him. Then I started with another, and got on better terms with him. I think my ‘luck’ with the men in the family is better than with the women, it might be that way in N families for scapegoat girls.

    Think back over the years if you’ve seen any good from certain members. They might be safe ones to start with too.

    So far the conclusion I drew was head narc mother was the least safe, her golden child could go either way, I’m praying for them but moreso the golden child.

    The safest one for me was man with something to protect and he is Christian but seemed fooled by the narcs into believing bad about me and good about them. Not that I’m saying I changed his mind. But he was the most apt to listen to me. Hope this was helpful. You hang in there!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ruby, you’re right about the jogging. I’ve set myself to walk with light jogging one day, just walking the next, and a little stretching on the third. I’ll see how it goes.

      I’m in the opposite situation than you in that I’m trying to get away from my family as they are constantly insulting and hurtful to me as the scapegoat. I have tried to befriend them throughout my adult life and I’ve finally come to the acceptance that the their rejection is complete. I’d be only sticking around for more heartache and, with the case of the two narcissists in my family, downright danger to the health of my soul.

      You seem to be on a slightly different path with what you’ve written in that you wish to seek some sort of acceptable relationship from some of them. I always read your posts about this with interest and with wanting it to work for you in a way that is very beneficial to you. I think it’s good for someone to be able to connect with family and perhaps should be done if at all possible. Sadly, I’m just not in that situation myself and I’m in need to protect myself from my family.

      I, too, hope there is a way to have help in my need but to also have peace. I’ll be relying on God to continue to show me the best way through other avenues.

      Liked by 3 people

      • Yes, you know your family and the situation best. I didnt mean to steer you wrong. I’d just like to see more financial security for you. I may be playing with fire myself, that remains to be seen. I’ll be writing about it, for better or for worse.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Thinking of you and the guts a bravery it took to take that run. Maybe no contact will strengthen your inner muscles in a way. I am thinking about what Peter Levine talks about taking a stand and kicking out against being invalidated. If you just suck it up it weakens you. I would hope there was a way you could take the support and money but not be traumatised, as it doesn’t seem fair after all you have gone through to be out there on a limb with no support. Hugs to you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ah Prairie Girl, as usual I so relate to your post. Because I was desperate financially my well to do family had hoods in me that I couldn’t extricate myself from, Food or not food, what do you choose? Warm coat or no coat what do you choose? Yet my desperate need was something that they helped insure in paying for my brother and sisters education and leaving me without any resources to get skilled for employment, They set my brother up in business that we helped build with free labor as teenagers, rehabbing houses, cleaning office buildings. He was reimbursed with a Corvette, I got ZERO, but, I was forced to beg “could you let me go to the dentist” “no”…. too expensive…

    When this inequality is a way of life it becomes an expectation that crumbs they drop you keep you alive because you don’t know how to support yourself. Even a business I tried to get off the ground was absolutely sabotaged so, while supporting my siblings endeavors which allowed them to all get rich I was forced to live on the handout mode while being accused of having a welfare mentality (because that was what they wanted me to have)

    Thus, I found myself in my 50’s with the Masters degree I got on my own with zero help from them but so late in my life I didn’t have an established career. I ended up helping them when my dad was dying for a tiny stipend compared to the hours I devoted. Meanwhile my mother lied, said I was taking money from them while living at their house when I was actually working my rear off. My siblings then informed me that they were sending the police and that I’d better get out of town, Because my mother lied about my working for her, my brother and sister had fancy lawyers and unlimited resources I knew they could do some horrible damage

    The irony about being put in that position was that when I got in my car and drove away and ended up 2300 miles away, I found a homeless shelter that let me land somewhere and start my life over Those 2 years of no contact was the most liberating experience of my life and my confidence that i could make it without their help grew I began to trust God and live in freedom from their tyranny and experience HIs miraculuos provision. IT WAS HARD! As miserable as my family was it was a security that I could drop by and get some food or a car repair or some help.

    After 2 years I let my guard down, (an gift of some money was personally delivered by my brother) and it greased the wheels to let down the drawn bridge, The whole thing that happened before happened again after I’d given up my new found liberation to be in their orbit, ONLY THE NEXT TIME THEY WERE WORSE> So if you break away, and you find your footing on solid ground should you go back you will be punished for breaking away and the abuse will be more severe This was my experience.

    Recently my brother contacted me with the statement “There will be some money available for you” I made the choice to disengaged because as desperately as I need that money MORE desperately I need them to stay out of my life with their wrecking ball actions and attitudes. So I said” no contact ever” If that means I get no money, fine, they will answer to God for hoarding it when I was destitute. Meanwhile I live as a free person.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Good for you, for getting that jog in (although it was painful).
    I went no contact with both siblings (Golden and my father’s favourite, my brother, Dad has passed on). I kept trying with them. But after countless death and injury threats and being verbally put down, I couldn’t take it anymore. They live close by since I came back – and decided to stay on at my Mum’s (she is not narcissistic, but I believe has BPD) since I became physically disabled. I am the scapegoat. It’s weird finding more people like myself out there! And, despite this, we are the healthier ones! Anyway, although I mourn the close relationship I once had with Golden, my little sister, I am relieved to have no contact with either sibling as they’re just too toxic. I’ve also got better at coping with my mum’s bpd; she is an old lady now as I have older parents.
    All the best xo.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Finding out about other scapegoats and now having the language to describe what I’ve been through was a real life changer for me.

      Thanks for telling me a bit of your story. I think regular people can deal with somewhat difficult family members, but we scapegoats don’t react the same way and quickly become overwhelmed with difficult people, especially if they were part of the abusive dynamic we grew up with in the first place. Cutting them out sometimes is the best way to protect ourselves, whether it seems extreme to others or not.

      P.S. Your pups are so cute!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’d always known something wasn’t right. And, one day it got too much, I felt like I was always being used as a ‘scapegoat’, so I typed that into the search engines and to my surprise, all these web pages came up! I looked at the books on Amazon. I read, and read, and read. I’ve done so much self-healing (I am a survivor of domestic abuse too). It feels great meeting other scapegoats (you know, you understand!), even though, of course, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I’m afraid to talk too openly here, because I’m not anonymous on my blog (it’s my writing blog). I am still learning to be ‘selfish’ after believing I wasn’t worth much and others should always come before me.
        Thank you…I love my dogs so much – too much!
        Take care.

        Liked by 1 person

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