My Hell in Paradise – Part I (My Sister, My Enemy)

playa-del-carmen-1-1333586Since a small child have always been oppressed by a feeling of fear of being annihilated, like my soul was in danger.  Two things in the last two years began the process of what feels like a killing of my soul, which has now been so battered that the thing I’ve always feared seems close to happening.  One of them was my breaking up with my last boyfriend and the other was a run-in with my older sister, someone who’s lured me in just to bash me since we were children.

They are to others perhaps simple events but they are the straws that are beginning the process of breaking the camel’s back.

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Embarking on the Healing Process

I’ve been writing less on my blog and I believe it’s because I’m steering away from the true purpose of my starting it, which was that it should be a place for me to begin to voice the bad treatment and trauma from my childhood and adulthood as the scapegoat in a narcissist-led family.

This, of course, is my fault.  The reason seems to be that I became afraid of being seen as a whiner or a person who’d put negative stuff out there without offering a solution or an inspiring message, which I don’t always have.  This fear was not toward my few blog friends, of course, but just a general feeling of people ‘out there’ thinking poorly of what I need to do here.

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Determination Through Fear

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I jogged today after not having done so in six months.  I’ve been in another CFS relapse (they come and go every several months) and during this one large muscle groups decided to tense and clump up, making getting up off the couch or getting out of bed difficult and painful, necessitating a cane for leverage.

I figured that since I have limited energy and am limping at times anyway, I might as well use what energy I have that day to run and use my limping to get me back home again.  Because CFS causes all my body’s systems to go slower than normal, if I don’t exercise I become bloated with water and weight gain.  There’s a limit I tolerate until a line has been crossed, and that line has been crossed.  So today I threw on my running shoes and went back out there, regardless of the pain.

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Shared Post: Fine China & Clunky Coffee Mugs — Bless The Black Sheep

I so much adored this post from Rubycommenting’s blog “Bless the Black Sheep” that I had to share it on my blog.  I identified with every sentence she wrote in it and found it had such practical wisdom.  And I have to say, in her picture I love the flowered mug and the yellow one with the feet!

I don’t know if scapegoats end up living single forever until the end, but I do know, that divorce is common. I had a couple of relationships with narc men since my divorce, neither one worked out, and one of the two, was quite bad. I’ve gotten better since then, so, will my next relationship […]

via Fine China & Clunky Coffee Mugs — Bless The Black Sheep

God the Heart-Knower

I learned a new word today and, therefore, a deeper understanding of a concept:

Cardiognosis – heart-knower.

Strong’s 2589 kardiognṓstēs (from 2588 /kardía, “heart” and 1097ginōskō, “experientially know”) – properly, heart-knower. 2589 /kardiognṓstēs (“the heart-discerner”) is used only of God (Ac 1:24, 15:8) – the one who knows all the inner workings of every person’s heart, i.e. all their moral preferences (convictions). Accordingly, God hears “the prayer of our prayers” as He discerns our inner heart-preferences.

http://biblehub.com/discovery.htm

This is always what I need from God, what I’ve always relied on Him for since my turning to Him for all He gives when I was in my 30’s and at the end of myself.

This is what I’ve been searching for in the last year when I’ve sensed it was time for so much change – I need to get to know and honour my heart as something that God knows through and through.  I can trust in that and, in prayer, ask that He slowly shows me more and more of who I truly am so that I can participate in accepting who I truly was when created and not the narrative of rejection and shame that was handed to me.

It’s taking the concept of the authentic self or inner child and God being the one who sees it clearly, more clearly than we can see it ourselves.

I feel like God has been protecting my heart for these last years and is now saying that the continued healing will be in my seeing a bit of it, too, and accepting all that I am there.

Thank you, God, for your life-giving Word!

Sweet Isolation

I’m alone in my life.  In a way, I’ve always been alone.  I lived my childhood in a home of eight people scrunched into a corner of the house to hide and be by myself.  In my young adulthood I was presenting myself in a shaky way where I always looking over my shoulder, although I was bolder than I am now.  Now, I’m still unsure but definitely much quieter and less bold.  And I’m tired of looking over my shoulder.

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I Will be Back Very Soon

I have been feeling unwell and exhausted lately and unable to write or comment in other people’s blogs right now.  I thought I’d leave this quick post here to express that and that I’ll be back more actively soon.  My God bless you in a wonderful way.