I was around nine. I had been either arguing with my younger sister or not agreeing with my mom on something, I don’t remember. I wouldn’t have dared argued with my mom at that age, so the worst would have been that I just voiced disagreement with doing a chore or something light like that. And if it was an argument with my sister, it would have been the usual fare seen in homes around the world. I mention these things to show just how bizarre and over-the-top my mother’s response to me was:
“The way you are, a man would never want you for more than two years.”
It was a bomb.
It felt like a curse, even at the moment she said it. I remember thinking how weird it was that she was telling a nine-year-old this as I was so young marriage was the furthest thing from my mind. I also remembered fearing in that moment that it might actually happen now that she said it.
On remembering that moment that she delivered that line to me, I feel she said it almost like she was trying it out, like it was something that she heard before (said to her, or somewhere else?) and she thought she’d try it out on me. That’s the impression I had. I was just too young and the line too odd for to be genuine, but it was something mean and fun for her to say and it did its work on me all the same.
I know it wasn’t a curse proper because the Word tells us that a curse doesn’t land on those who don’t deserve it, and I as a nine-year-old I didn’t deserve it – Proverbs 26:2 “As the bird by wandering, as the swallow by flying, so the curse causeless shall not come.”
Maybe it just did a work on my mind’s hardware. I just know that I was scared it was going to happen and, in fact, it did actually come true. I personally ended the few relationships I had on my own just before or on the two-year mark, although they were almost all abusive and should have been ended. Even my marriage ended at two years. The only one that wasn’t abusive was my last relationship two years ago, which I ended after a year-and-a-half because I didn’t feel great love from either side and marriage didn’t seem on the horizon when marriage is what I want. It was the first significant relationship that wasn’t abusive and in which I stuck to my values, so at least there was that improvement and a little hopeful.
There are a few cruel and odd things my mother said to me in my childhood that came true. God allows the words of a parent over a child to be a fearfully powerful thing.
I’ve often asked God to remove any effects of harming words and intentions spoken over me. I think of the blessings God wants for those who love Him and feel I need to allow the Bible to speak those into my life, to override any harming words that were spoken over me in the past.
I will have a relationship that will last over two years, in fact, I can find a husband in Christ and we will be there for each other for the rest of our lives. I’m no longer required to be the person my mother said I was, the two-year relationship person. I’m now a child of God and I now have the freedom to find a good man and settle in for a good long and enduring relationship.
This is just another thing among many things that I need to start telling myself in order to remap and renew my mind. I thank God for the things I’m learning here among my new blogging friends. I’m getting stronger hope for my future, little by little.