About two weeks ago I called a counselor I saw before for about a year. I went to him at the time as I was so paralyzed with anxiety that I couldn’t move forward anymore and empty of hope for my life. I had a sense in me that everything in my life needs to change for me to go on, and to this day I still have a feeling that things are gong to continue to change in me.
At the time I was seeing him I didn’t have the concepts of scapegoating in my mind, that is, I didn’t have the unification of all the symptoms of maladjustment under one category. I was still in the mode of piecemealing my reason for seeing any one counselor/therapist or another over my life. I went to one for my abusive husband and another later for my abusive live-in boyfriend, I went to one or two for depression and suicidal feelings, etc. All of them I would mention my abusive childhood but I didn’t know to put everything into one bucket and add in my hyper-vigilance, high level of general anxiety, and disassociation.
Now that I have a new confident way of expressing what my issues are, as well as feeling the pressure of all the changes I’m going through and needing someone to help me navigate this, I’ve decided to see him again.
I saw him yesterday for the first time in six months. I was able to express the scapegoating and that, as I’ve said, I’ve been expressing my issues in a piecemeal fashion. I mentioned to him the black ball I feel inside me that seems to be panic and annihilation. He wants to go through EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) with me as he’s recognized the trauma I went through. I don’t think he readily saw it before because I never went into it deep with him the last times I saw him because I wanted to concentrate on what I’m going through NOW and not the past, not knowing just how impossible that is.
Today I looked up his name online because I was curious if he is in the therapist or counselor, something I never looked or asked to be sure before as I guess it wasn’t that important to me. He is a counselor, as I assumed, but I also saw that he specializes in trauma, with a personal interest in childhood trauma and how it affects a person. Huh. It’s funny how all that got missed, although he must have suspected because he did do one session of EMDR with me before.
I will be seeing him in a week so I’m off to look further into EMDR and how it’s supposed to work. I’ve already told him I don’t go messing with that black ball as it sent me into a blackout disassociation once before but maybe the EMDR is supposed to help with that. I’ll see how this goes and I will write more about it as I go along.