I’ve been aware of what I’ve called a “black ball” since I was in my twenties. And what I’m calling a black ball is a concentration of dark frightening emotions that I sensed in my solar plexus. I knew all along that it was suppressed emotions but what emotions they were and what they were from I didn’t know and didn’t want to know. I knew it was significant in why I was “messed up”, unable to interact with the world around me in a manner that I saw others do.
One day I had a little peek at it. It didn’t go well. I was in my early thirties and at the time participating in an outpatient group therapy on hospital grounds with many others of a myriad of “mental health” issues. My issue was debilitating depression. I’m far from that dark time in my life that needed such intervention by both years and by spiritual positioning upon my decision to follow Christ a few years later. But at that time I needed help and that was why I was recommended for this group therapy.
That day we had broken off into smaller groups. There was a point that I was asked to speak a bit of my situation and I mentioned the black ball, wanting to speak about it hoping it would help me to do so. I was asked to describe it and I only began to before I started an uncontrollable deep crying. That’s all I remember until I woke up in a hospital bed several hours later. Everything in between was a huge black void save for a few seconds that I was aware of two group leaders who were helping me walk to the hospital a little way across the grounds from the building where the group met.
That was my one and only experience of disassociation to the degree of lost time. It was also the only time I decided to explore what I call the black ball. I just don’t go there, although in the last several years I do believe I’m often not even aware of its existence where before I could readily notice the presence of it.
I will continue to seek strength and a new practiced way of seeing myself and my place in this world before I do go explore the feelings there. I believe they will behave themselves much better then and I will be more capable of sorting out those feelings with a little more distance and a better ability to integrate them. In the meantime, I’m okay to leave it where it is.